The Nordic Adventure – Part II

It’s almost midnight, my eyes are starting to feel dry because of how tired I am, and yet I can’t sleep. The idiotic smile I’ve been harbouring for the past three days wouldn’t wipe itself off my face.

At times I wonder why (although I don’t want to try too hard) I am so excited about this. What is so special over here? What makes me feel like a child on Christmas day throughout the day? Someone told me I sound like a person on LSD. I guess I do, but then again, this feels great!

I was thinking that traveling is like a super fast way of growing as a person. Probably one of the best lessons I learned these days is that your will becomes so strong when you have to do something you’ve been dreaming of for so long or when you do something that you like. And I know that is not rocket-science, we all know that at a theoretical level. But what is truly amazing for me is how uplifting that feels.

I have experienced today a type of cold I have never felt before. I kept blowing warm air into one fist or the other, I tried to pull down my cap as much as I could. At one point I even felt my thighs were burning, like a thousand needles were mildly stinging my skin, that’s how frozen I was! And yet, I kept going. Back home I would (and I am pretty sure I have) complain and moan about way less than this. I am no fan of cold. But this time, I wouldn’t give up. And I didn’t even want to complain, I would try to confort myself as best as I could and kept walking.

And at the same time, I was amazed by how resilient I had suddenly become. Now let’s be honest: I wasn’t climbing Mount Everest, I was just wandering in the streets of Helsinki on a very windy evening. But normally I wouldn’t even have gone out on a day like this. So to see that I was willing to put up with something I normally avoid or moan about was not only surprising, but encouraging as well.

From a higher perspective, this experience I’m going through right now reminds me of how big the world is, how many the people in it and how numerous the opportunities to make your journey here worthwile. And remembering recent past events, I keep telling myself: “So the world is so big and so amazing, you can have this type of experience and you were worrying about that?”. Now it seems rather silly that I was so stuck on matters that have absolutely ZERO importance in the way life unfolds.

And I’ll go back to that kind of thoughts. Again and again. I know it. And that’s alright. I just hope I’ll always remember the lessons I learned these days and that my skin was burning because of the frost one evening in Helsinki.

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The Nordic Adventure

I’m walking towards my dream and I have a lump in my throat. I am traveling alone and there are so many people around me that I don’t know.

At times I feel like crying. If you were raised like me by overprotective parents, if you’ve always had someone to look after you all the time, then you understand why doing anything alone feels like a significant achievement. So am I scared? Maybe. A little. Am I thrilled? Yes. Does this raise my self-cofidence and make me feel like I can face the whole world on my own? Definitely!

Traveling in itself is such an amazing, thought-provoking and mind-opening experience. Doing it all alone increases that feeling and gives you even more space and time to face yourself. As I’m writing this I’m still in my home country and I already get that feeling that I am part of a much bigger community that the one I usually tend to include myself in.

But I’m already looking at the people around me, wondering who they are, what their life is like and where they’re going. Did they find it hard to fall asleep last night like me because they were too excited? Is someone waiting for them at their destination? How will they spend the time they have where they’re going?

I’ll soon arrive at a much larger airport and the sense of smallness will be even more overwhelming. But so will be the feeling I’ve achieved something important and that the pool of opportunities life has to offer is so vast.

And yet, the best feeling I got from this experince so far is that I am finally living something I’ve dreamt of for so long. Does that mean then that I can hope other things I yearn for will become reality one day?

Are you here or are you not?

Last night I dreamt of you. Something is eating at my heart again and you came to visit me… only to scare my soul even more.

I was so glad you were back, so stricken with awe, yet I could not let joy overwhelm me. You were able to stand again, your face was as lively as before, they were all gathered together and shouting at me, against my incredulity. Why couldn’t I believe you were back, they were shouting? I wanted to believe it, to rejoice, yet something held me from it.

And then I saw your hands… the candles that were lit up in your right hand piercing through your body… that was not a body, that was just a spectre. My mind was playing tricks on me again.

My soul wants you back, yet I know I will never get this priviledge again. You used to tell me how you loved to just hear my voice, now I am the one earning to hear yours. I desperately need just one more moment: then I would tell you all about those you left behind, about my work, about that boy, about the trips that I planned for the future, I would tell you I am happy and it would calm you down, I would tell you how sad I am and you would confort me with your soothing voice. I would shout out how much I miss you! But as it is, my scream would just vanish into thin air because you can’t hear it anymore.

I still feel the shape of your body in my arms from when I last held you…

Two or Three Things I Learned in 2016

One thing I cannot stop myself from doing once the year is drawing to a close is to look back at what I have done, what has happened to me, trying to get an overall view of the period that has passed. But because lately I have started to realize that what remains once an experience is done and lived is the lesson that you were taught, this year I am trying to think of the things I have learned rather than try to re-live the moments that have marked me the most.

 

Altruism is still well alive in some people

The most impressive thing I have discovered this year must have been what it feels like to receive a gift that has the sole purpose of making you happy. Two tickets to the concert of your favourite band might not seem like anything extraordinary to some people, but it has deeply touched me to see that someone invested time and money in something that would make me so happy. Actually the simple fact that they thought about doing this for me moved me deeply. For someone to come up with this thought, to plan this, to just make this gesture, to try to make things simpler for me… it even moves me now when I remember it.

This is why sometimes, when a crazy idea of making a gesture like this for someone comes to me, I try to act on the first impulse. And I try to shake away the thought that the relation that we have would make my gesture seem awkward, that I might be taken for a fool or that they might take advantage of me by mistaking my wish to do good for weakness. Because at the end of the day life is hard enough for all of us so if we get the chance to put a smile on someone’s face and make it a bit better, why not do it?

 

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, not what is most comfortable

The second important lesson I have learned is something that actually stuck with me from last year. The human psyche is something very frail and can change direction way easier than we would like to imagine or accept. We like to think of ourselves as of the heroes in the stories that we populate, but the truth is we can turn into monsters in no time.

I hate to admit it and I will always carry this burden into my heart, but I have wronged a person because of selfishness, because of my impossibility of seeing the big picture and because I had refused to accept the cards I had been dealt. I will no more get the chance to ask for forgiveness, but I have learned that I cannot run away from the responsibilities life puts before me, that life is, contrary to what we keep hearing almost everywhere around us that we must seek happiness and fun throughout our journey, not only about finding ways to enjoy yourself, but mostly about accepting responsibilities and doing the right thing, even though at times that might not be exactly what you wanted.

 

My place in the Universe gives me reasons not to fear my death

I have read books and saw videos that opened up my mind about the world around me, about the huge universe I am but a minuscule, insignificant part of, I have managed to come to terms with the idea of my death. I have managed to finally put some order in my thoughts and beliefs around the existence or absence of a God and I am inclined to believe the latter. I have come to the conclusion that the God in our dogma is just an invention that bears the limitations of the human mind, it wasn’t us who were created in God’s image, it is God who was created in our image, simply because we couldn’t imagine anything more.

The Universe is so immense and such complex phenomena take place out there, that it is simply impossible for me to believe an old man among the clouds is watching me and writing down the good things and the bad things that I do. A frightening thought for when you feel the need for protection by someone or something above and beyond you, but also soothing for me when I think of how unimportant I am in this infinite realm of ours. So then why should I be so worried if I exist or if a cease to be? That is of course no reason to stop enjoying life and to try to make the most of it.

 

Words don’t really mean much

Another thing I’ve discovered is that one day you can hear the sweetest words from someone and the next day they can make you understand they don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. Which is shocking. If someone tells you that you are perfect and special one day and then they stop talking to you and actually expect you to take the step of getting out of their life, it is at first shocking. First you try to find a logical explanation, although it is difficult to explain such a fracture in a logical manner, then comes a strong feeling that you have been treated unfairly, then you get hurt and then you’re back at “what the hell happened?”.

Whatever subsequent reassurances that you are alright, that nothing is wrong with you, that you are wonderful or whatever you might be told, cannot really change this situation. First because you have heard the very same words before you got discarded and secondly because when people care about you, they find the time and a way of keeping you around them. They don’t look for you, they don’t care about you. It’s as simple as that. And yes, they didn’t like you that much in the first place, because the truth is… nobody wants to let go of someone they really like. So “It’s not you, it’s me” actually means “It’s not you, it’s me and I don’t like you”. Case closed.

 

My dreams are my dreams

I may end up this year a bit disappointed, but for the first time I feel that I am one of the greatest people I can rely on and that I have it in me to offer myself some remarkable experiences in the future. It must also be for the first time that I am trying to imagine myself with someone by my side and that the image pains me and makes me wish to do everything I dream of on my own.  My dreams are my dreams and next year I will put my own dreams first.

The best stuff I listened to this year

I am about to write a piece about something that surprised me a great deal this year, it’s about the best track I heard in 2016. I was used to listening to metal mostly and I thought this is the supreme music genre in terms of pop culture. So when I went through this great shift that introduced me to electronic music (or a very small part of it), it was astonishing even to myself that I could be so entertained and that such sensations could be triggered within me by this kind of music. So this year it was time to break another prejudice and start listening to music I never thought I’d enjoy.

I was introduced to Deadmau5 with the following words:  “If you can listen to this till the end, you deserve a prize”, so I was expecting something quite nasty or at least boring. I was given the link to a 13-minute video of a live performance of Strobe in Toronto. I very rarely just listen to music, usually I use it as a background to another activity, but as soon as I heard the first notes of Strobe, I put on my headphones and laid down in bed because it seemed to me like this deserved my full attention.

I immediately closed my eyes, and the images started passing through my mind like in a movie. This song made my imagination run from the very beginning. I never thought I would say this about an electro track, but this one stirs such vivid pictures in my head and such strong feelings within me.

It stars with a feeling of nostalgia, as if I were seeing myself yearning to live again moments that have passed a long time ago, reminiscing about happier days in my life, a feeling of vulnerability and loneliness coming over me, and the regret that I couldn’t always share with anyone else the strong feelings that would forever remain known only to myself: the passion, the will to live, the love of life, the great happiness and the deep sorrow. The rhythm itself is not very alert in the beginning of the song, like a heart that’s barely beating. Around 2:36 (I’m now listening to the recorded version) this feeling seems to turn from numbness to acute pain and it goes on like this until about 3:20 when a movement in the song makes me think of the dawn of a misty morning.

There is a sound in the background like the wings of a flock of birds flying up to the sky or like the crisp sound of a river flowing in its bed through the harsh rocks of a mountain. The rhythm starts to accelerate and it makes me feel like it has all changed: life has come back to me and so has the will to live and do a lot of yet-un-tried things. I start seeing aerial views of all sorts of landscapes which I suppose translates my wish to travel a lot and see this great world we live in.

Around 6:10 there is again a change (some other sound that’s added in the background and then comes to the foreground) which triggers human images in my head. My imagination now moves to an urban landscape and I see all sorts of people having fun, dancing and laughing, and we’re at this rooftop party (something I’ve always been curious about) and then the landscape images mix with the urban ones and everything ends in a huge celebration of freedom, happiness and life in general.

I listened to this song on sunny mornings to make sure I’d have a great start, on dark evenings when I’d go back home broken-hearted, at home when I just wanted to enjoy myself or at work between two Excel spreadsheets. It is no philosophy, I know these are just sounds someone played with, but if it makes me come alive like that, then I think who played with this, did it in a very masterful way.

If you’ve read this so far, just go ahead and give it a try. Just once. Don’t ever refuse yourself the chance to discover something great.

P.S. A little fun fact at the end. I was supposed to go to a play the day I was introduced to Deadmau5. But the truth is I was so impressed with this guy’s work, I kept postponing getting dressed for the play until it was eventually too late for me to go. The next day I had found out the performance had been canceled because one of the actors was sick. I went to see the play when it was rescheduled two months later and I hated it. I think the Mau5 was trying to warn me about something.

P.S.2 Yes I have dreamed ever since of going to one of the mau5’s live performances and I have felt very  grateful to the person who showed me Deadmau5 for introducing me to new stuff and for inspiring me to do new exciting things in the future.

I used to look at you while you were smoking your cigar…

I used to look at you while you were smoking your cigar. I was trying to carve the image of your face deeply into my memory. Like I knew that you weren’t going to be there for a long time. Your innocent look, the eyes that seemed to ask for protection, or sometimes the absent-minded gaze into the distance.

And your gestures, and the expressions on your face, I still have them with me. Sometimes it seemed like you were  smiling even with your eyes, not just with your lips. But were you truly that happy?

I had understood my dream was unrealistic, not feasible, I understood what a huge difference there was between my imagination and reality. I was not even sure I wanted to go back to that foolish dream anymore. But yours seemed real enough, like we could make it happen.

My dream was hard enough to let go of and it shook me to the core of my very existence. So I wanted to turn yours into reality. Ready to follow you wherever you decided was a good place for crafting stories of success. Ready to use whatever skills I had earned to put them at your service. Ready to remain in the dark, just so you could shine in front of everybody. I wanted you to shine. You deserve to shine.

And now your smile comes back before my eyes. A bit overwhelmed, a bit impressed, like your heart was melting to see yourself reflected like the image of perfection into my eyes. You probably did not think much of that. And you will not miss it. And not wish for it again. Neither will you see again perhaps perfection returned into your look from a pair of eyes that got lost into yours.

International Men’s Day

Do you know what special day is today? Today is International Men’s Day and if you are one of the people wondering if we really need an International Men’s Day the answer is “YES”.

Celebrating IMD means celebrating half of the globe’s population and it certainly does not reinforce white straight male privilege, neither does it diminish the importance of women’s issues to talk about the problems men all over the world are facing in 2016.

Celebrating IMD means becoming aware of men’s health issues, or remembering that not all men are having it all that easy, appreciating the positive role a male has had in your life or simply encouraging men to stay true to themselves, to lean a bit more towards their inner selves and to even express openly their joy or their anxiety.

A truly open-minded feminist could never question the importance of celebrating this day, because being a feminist does not mean one has to try and prove one gender is superior to the other, but that one should strive for equal rights for both men and women. Society does not get better and our lives do not get easier if we try to push everyone into a strict role with clearly-defined possibilities and duties. Life gets easier when men and women are encouraged to collaborate, to understand their differences and celebrate them as what makes them unique, to try and complete each other. Do we, as women, want to get what is good for us and what would be rightfully ours as well or do we want to become the next oppressors? Do we want loving and respectful men around us or do we want rivals and so-called partners who look at us in suspicion and lack of trust? Do we want our boys to put a strong, impenetrable front just to be weak and frightened on the inside?

Striving to offer women and girls a better life, better opportunities to fulfill themselves sometimes tends to put men and boys in a corner and treating them like they have it all, like there are no more problems of theirs to be solved, like they have all the privileges. And IMD is here to remind us of the higher male suicide rates, of the fact that they too can be victims of violence or sexual harassment, that they too can feel uncomfortable in their skin because of a certain physical image associated with male success, of the fact that they too can feel alienated because they are not encouraged to openly discuss their fears, their anxieties, their mental health issues.

Even if asked about this international awareness day and its importance, a lot of men might try to laugh it off, to joke about it and say they don’t really need this, as if trying to discharge themselves of such a silly pretention. Men don’t moan about their problems, men suck it up and are men about it. I actually asked myself how many men that I know have admitted to being depressed and of all guys I have ever talked to I can remember only one who told me that. So of all the men I have met, only one had serious issues.

Under these circumstances International Men’s Day seems like a good opportunity to appreciate men for their contribution to society, to celebrate them in their diversity, to try and challenge the stereotypes they are confronted with, to thank those men who made our lives better and to encourage them to stay true to themselves and not follow the false models the media might offer.

A big and special thanks to the most important man in my life, Bogdan, to Ani, Steve, Mircea, Gabriel, Jean-Pierre, my professors at uni and my colleagues at work, and all the other men who have taught me great things. Thank you!

2014 – Year review

I was right about one thing regarding the year 2014: that it would be a difficult one. It did not only imply making difficult decisions, it also thought me some harsh lessons and made me feel more and more absorbed into the “adult” world with all its hypocrisy and pretending. I forget the last year about which I had such a bad feeling, so I cannot wait for this one to be over. This is not to say it will only be happiness and optimism starting tomorrow, but I seriously hope (yes, I almost feel entitled to it) next year has something better in store.

To begin the review, I remember almost the full first half of the year was spent in a deep sense of uselessness, meaningfulness and solitude. I felt I had no reason to be here, I felt that my life made no sense, so I was thinking about the possibility of correcting that. The uselessness. And what do you do with something useless? That is right, you throw it away.

This year has also showed me what you dream for yourself is a lot of times quite different from what you actually have to go through and how you actually have to live your life. I had a big dream when I started going to university. A big dream and a nice scenario where I was the protagonist. But what you want and what you are good at is not always what you will do for the rest of your life. This is something it will probably take me a long while to overcome.

The second important lesson this year has taught me is that what belongs to the past should be left in the past. People, habits, passions, everything that belongs in the “has been” category. Most often we would only like to bring back a positive feeling that we associate with a certain situation, person or habit. However we forget that our circumstances have now changed, that we have changed ourselves, therefore something that felt good sometime in the past might feel only awkward in this moment. Even more often we forget pain, which is why we are so ready to embark again on the path which brought us heartache the first time. And we also forget people do not change in their essence, that those who have hurt us in the first place will not hesitate to do it again.

I also remember three moments of happiness for this year. A trip to the mountain side which reconnected me to myself, to everything I like about myself. A week I spent in the UK with one of the most amazing people on this planet. A weekend in September, the most I have laughed in ages. Because this is what best friends do for you.

This year has left me completely confused as to where I am going and what will happen, the end of it is a continual struggle, but I hope there are better times ahead.

2014 – Year Review

I was right about one thing regarding the year 2014: that it would be a difficult one. It did not only imply making difficult decisions, it also thought me some harsh lessons and made me feel more and more absorbed into the “adult” world with all its hypocrisy and pretending. I forget the last year about which I had such a bad feeling, so I cannot wait for this one to be over. This is not to say it will only be happiness and optimism starting tomorrow, but I seriously hope (yes, I almost feel entitled to it) next year has something better in store.

To begin the review, I remember almost the full first half of the year was spent in a deep sense of uselessness, meaningfulness and solitude. I felt I had no reason to be here, I felt that my life made no sense, so I was thinking about the possibility of correcting that. The uselessness. And what do you do with something useless? That is right, you throw it away.

This year has also showed me what you dream for yourself is a lot of times quite different from what you actually have to go through and how you actually have to live your life. I had a big dream when I started going to university. A big dream and a nice scenario where I was the protagonist. But what you want and what you are good at is not always what you will do for the rest of your life. This is something it will probably take me a long while to overcome.

The second important lesson this year has taught me is that what belongs to the past should be left in the past. People, habits, passions, everything that belongs in the “has been” category. Most often we would only like to bring back a positive feeling that we associate with a certain situation, person or habit. However we forget that our circumstances have now changed, that we have changed ourselves, therefore something that felt good sometime in the past might feel only awkward in this moment. Even more often we forget pain, which is why we are so ready to embark again on the path which brought us heartache the first time. And we also forget people do not change in their essence, that those who have hurt us in the first place will not hesitate to do it again.

I also remember three moments of happiness for this year. A trip to the mountain side which reconnected me to myself, to everything I like about myself. A week I spent in the UK with one of the most amazing people on this planet. A weekend in September, the most I have laughed in ages. Because this is what best friends do for you.

This year has left me completely confused as to where I am going and what will happen, the end of it is a continual struggle, but I hope there are better times ahead.

Ce spui când spui „Te iubesc”

Cred că pentru unii cuvintele acestea sunt ca nişte porumbei gata să zboare de pe buzele lor în faţa oricui şi oricând momentul pare a fi oportun. Alţii, din contra, se feresc teribil să le pronunţe, ca şi cum aceasta ar fi vreo formulă magică, un cod prin care îşi semnează renunţarea la libertate şi la mândrie. Mai sunt, desigur, şi cei care chibzuiesc bine înainte să spună asta, pentru că ştiu cât de mult înseamnă a spune cuiva că îl iubeşti sau o iubeşti, iar atunci când o fac, poţi să fii sigur că ştiu cu siguranţă cum se traduc vorbele lor. Pentru aceştia din urmă poate fi extrem de greu să facă o asemenea mărturisire.

Te gândeşti de sute de ori, întorci lucrurile pe toate părţile, te întrebi dacă nu cumva ţi se pare numai, dacă nu te-ai înşelat pe tine şi dacă nu îl vei amăgi şi pe cel căruia i-o spui. Mereu mi-a fost extrem de greu să fac asta. Chiar şi în faţa celor mai buni prieteni, cuvintele astea două se codesc mult până să iasă din gură. Sau refuză cu obstinaţie. De ce? Poate pentru că ştiu cât de mult înseamnă ele. Mereu mi s-a părut ridicol să împarţi cuvintele astea oricui, să le arunci aşa prin jurul tău cum ai arunca seminţe pe ogor.

Ce înseamnă să spui „Te iubesc”? Înseamnă să îi spui omului aceluia nu că este un semizeu, că e imaginea ta de perfecţiune, că e cel mai cel sau cea mai cea, că mai bun nu se poate (cum aş fi spus când eram mai tânără şi mai puţin coaptă la minte). Înseamnă să îi spui că îi ştii şi calităţile, dar îi cunoşti şi defectele şi totuşi îl vrei pe el întreg, exact aşa cum este. Că îl admiri pentru calităţi şi că îi accepţi defectele, care îl fac doar uman şi în nici un caz respingător. Înseamnă să te bucuri sincer de reuşitele şi bucuriile lui, înseamnă să poţi renunţa la micile tale bucurii pentru ca el să îşi poată întrupa propriile dorinţe. Înseamnă să renunţi uneori la orgoliul tău de a ieşi în faţă pentru a-l lăsa pe el să strălucească. Înseamnă să vrei să fii tu cel din umbră care a lucrat la fericirea altuia, fără a aştepta recompense sau ovaţii la final. Înseamnă să-ţi doreşti să scoţi la iveală ce e mai bun în acel om, să îi oferi ocazia să transforme în realitate potenţialităţile lui de bine, să îl ajuţi să devină Om pe de-a-ntregul.

Înseamnă că el, la rândul lui, scoate la iveală ce e mai bun în tine şi că lângă el poţi fi cum eşti tu. Înseamnă că lângă el ai vrea să te bucuri de cele mai mari realizări ale tale, dar să îţi petreci şi zilele când nu-ţi vine să te dai jos din pat sau să dai ochii cu lumea. Înseamnă că îţi cunosc defectele, îţi cunosc circumstanţele, îmi închipui greutăţile pe care le-am putea întâmpina împreună, dar eu vreau să îmi asum greutăţile acestea, vreau să mă confrunt cu problemele acestea, vreau să îmi fac grijile acestea. Nu le voi înfrunta stoic, fără să vărs măcar o lacrimă, având totul la îndemână ca eroii din filme. Nu. Le voi înfrunta cu poticneli şi cu dinţi scrâşniţi, poate, ca un om din viaţa reală.

Devii vulnerabil sau e un semn de slăbiciune când spui cuiva „Te iubesc”? În nici un caz. „Te iubesc” nu înseamnă că poţi face orice din mine, că poţi călca peste mine. Asta ar însemna să te încurajez să primeşti răul şi urâtul în viaţa ta. Ar însemna să încurajez o purtare josnică şi nedemnă.

„Te iubesc” înseamnă, la urma urmei, că ai fost destul de norocos să o simţi şi destul de curajos să o spui. Şi mai înseamnă, dincolo de toate aceastea, că există în tine potenţialitatea unei mari fericiri, mai mare decât fericirea celor care se ţin mereu la adăpost, care nu vor să sufere, care îşi păzesc mereu „libertatea” şi „mândria”.